Letter 5

Only you can keep me strong in my time of need.

Without you I am nothing.

I’m going to kill myself on the morrow.

Fare thee well sweet prince.

Letter 3

The moment I read your letter I realized that my life as I knew it was over. I have decided to go into hiding.

When? – I do not know.

Where? – I cannot tell you.

Know this, I will be keeping an eye on you, and should the government decide to hunt you down for questioning, I will come to your rescue and unleash the full force of pure Funk. Fear not my good friend for you will always be in my heart. And whenever my bowls stir or my loins ache I will hear the name Jason, but I will think of you instead.

Goodbye my friend and godspeed.

Your friend,

Captain

Letter 2

Actually, my good man, i believe you have found the formulae for pure funk, even if it was inadvertently. You see, the green juice as you put it IS ACTUALLY PURE FUNK.

You are now classified officially a class A weapon by the government and will be sought out by the Russians in a last attempt to destroy democracy. Lay low, and try to drink as much pure funk as possible as each 10 liters makes you grow to about x^2 (where x is your current body mass). yes, i know it is scary, just try to be calm.

Soon you will be the size of the statue of liberty (in 32 days if my current computations are correct).

This message will self destruct in five seconds.

four

three

two

one

Letter 1

should i be worried about the green liquid coming from my ass?